A Forest Friend
August 1st, 2012
I Am a Naked Emperor
July 27th, 2012
Wegea is trying to get me killed. She flops around in her cute little tiny kid way, playing and gnawing on whatever strikes her fancy, with nary a thought for the collateral damage. And how is it that a small child could take me out, you may ask? Three words: Winimili the $%*#. For those of you who have been following this blog since last year, you should be fairly familiar with Winimili (real name: Windmill) and my feelings toward him. Last go around he took it upon
Just a little reminder who Wegea is. Devilish looking, isn’t she?
himself to threaten me and snatch at my pants whenever he got the chance. This year he’s grown himself a nice pair of canines and an unnaturally protective bent toward little Wegea (whom, I would like to point out, is not that closely related to him). Skip to several weeks back. I’m sitting on a rock following one of my females. She’s lounging on a nearby rock in the throws of grooming rapture and I am bored out of my mind. Winimili is sitting nearby on another rock. Children are playing around us; birds are singing. Then, all of the sudden, Wegea plummets out of a tree and lands smack on my rock a foot and a half from my legs. She is screaming. I only have time to mutter, “Oh sh…!” and shove my foot in Winimili’s face as he lunges for me. Then we have this awkward standoff with me reclined back on my right elbow, my left foot poised to kick his teeth in if I have too, and Winimili clutching Wegea…who is FINE. She scampers off and Winimili eyes me closely for the next 10 minutes.
And then today. I am following Akarura, who is sitting, staring into space, and occasionally hopping along tripedally because she doesn’t really have a left foot. Akarura happens upon Wirdet (Wegea’s mom), who is shuffling around on the ground in search of palm nuts and decides to plop a squat there. Wegea is playing nearby and Winimili the $%*# sits about 10 feet from me, mostly staring listlessly off toward the river. At one point Wegea sees me and just ambles over to touch my shoe. Afraid to move and scare her, lest Winimili try to eat my face off, I just stand there and politely explain to her (in Swahili, mind) that if she touches me, her man-buddy is going to give me a smack. She doesn’t care. And, in her defense, it’s not really her fault that she’s curious. I mean, she’s basically living in a real world version of The Emperor’s New Clothes. She sees me and thinks to herself, “That’s not a baboon,” and then peers around her at the other baboons, all of whom carry on with their lives, completely ignoring me as if maybe I AM a baboon. Or a tree. But Wegea knows I’m not a tree either, so, understandably she’s curious as to why no one else seems to give a rat’s ass about who I am and what I’m doing there. I still wish she wouldn’t be so curious, though, when Winimili the $%*# is around. Luckily, eventually, she decides to leave my shoe alone and Winmili remains unperturbed. Next, she climbs a branch near me and tries to play with the bracelet on my arm. I step away. Winimili is still fine. Soon I forget about Wegea. At one particularly boring moment, though, I look up to find that she is sitting right above me, gnawing on the stem of one of these:
These are mtwetwe. Not only do they look like absolutely f***ing ENORMOUS testicles, they weigh a good five pounds each and Wegea is working hard to drop one of them on my head from a considerable height. I quickly move to get out of the way. However, in doing so, I have somehow indicated to Winimili that I intend to destroy Wegea, so, suddenly, he flies up and slaps me hard on the arm. Still stumbling away, I turn my back on him while he threatens me with eyebrow flashes and the shaking of branches—weirdly the back turn is our best defense. He gives me leg another slap, but I just ignore him and eventually he settles himself a few feet away, passing the next several minutes doing his best threat yawns (see below for an example photograph of an adult male). Hamimu and I giggle about this, because, though Winimili now has canines, they still are on the small side—as is he—so he mostly just looks stupid trying to scare us. Finally, Winimili loses interest and moves off a bit further, where he engages in a quick session of awkward teenage masturbation before wandering off to find a snack.
Gobosi giving a hearty threat yawn
Flies Do It Too
July 26th, 2012
This amorous couple was hanging out on my shoe for several minutes today
Chillin’ with Jane
July 25th, 2012
So Jane Goodall and I were sitting on the beach having a whisky and discussing Tanzanian hip-hop when…well, that’s it. That’s what we did. I don’t really suppose my story needs much more than that (though I will continue nonetheless). After many a meeting in which I was mostly ignored, I finally found myself sitting alone on a beach with Jane Goodall, just the two of us. I was choking down my whisky—because when one drinks with Jane one drinks whisky—and bouncing around between pleasantries until we settled on a discussion of Bongo Flava. Bongo is the nickname for Dar es Salaam and it translates from Swahili , roughly, as “wits”, because to survive in Dar you need quick thinking, I guess. Thus Bongo Flava is the Tanzanian variety of rap/hip-hop that has grown up in the last decades, with its origins in Dar. We hit upon this rather unlikely topic because it turns out that Jane was not the only celebrity in the park that day. A bunch of famous Tanzanian rappers had arrived earlier that morning to shoot some video in the forest, reportedly as part of some upcoming music video. Jane, in her wanderings, managed to run into them and had a conversation that went something like this.
Jane: “So you guys sing songs?”
Bongo Flava Musician: “Yes! And, in addition to all the songs about holding hands with our girlfriend and having illegitimate children, we also have a song about Gombe and Mahale National Parks!”
Jane: “That’s very swell. Maybe you could also write a song about conservation!”
Bongo Flava Musician: “Maybe we can!”
Jane: “Do you know who Dave Matthews is?”
Bongo Flava Musician: (perhaps lying) “Oh, yes.”
Jane: “Well, he is a close personal friend of mine. If your song is good, maybe he will sing it.”
Bongo Flava Musician instantly high-fives a neighboring Bongo Flava musician.
This might be a slight paraphrase of the conversation that took place, but since I wasn’t there to bear witness, I can only relate the story as it was told to me (more or less) by Jane. I have tried to picture the sort of love-child song originating from a collaboration between a Tanzanian hip-hop artist and Dave Matthews, but mostly I just cringe. That said, it must be awesome to be able to say with total confidence that my buddy Dave will sing your song if it doesn’t totally suck. I mean, that’s power, right?
Anyway, Jane and I chatted a bit more, watching the sun set, until we were joined by others and the conversation swerved off into American politics and the general niftiness of boat travel. Luckily, I have this stellar picture to document the occasion:
My older Tanzanian buddies and I drinking (it would seem HEAVILY) on the beaches of Gombe
Another Mid-day Nap
July 21st, 2012
Yolta having one of many mid-day naps