Colin Meloy, Kurt Vonnegut, and Mother Theresa contract a veneral disease from Gwen Stefani. Kurt thinks, really, it could be a lot worse. Colin decides Gwen was just being spiteful because she didn’t truly understand the inherent comedic value of recently neutered kittens wearing funny hats, despite numerous examples to the contrary. Meanwhile, Mother Theresa tries, in vain, to recall just exactly who Gwen Stefani is and, more importantly, why she’s not returning her calls.
(with a little help from JDC)
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Colin Meloy, Kurt Vonnegut, and Mother Theresa apply for the same job at Disney. Mid-interview, Mother Theresa inquires after Walt Disney’s health. Colin contemplates whether it would be more offensive to portray Mickey Mouse as a recently-beaten red-headed step child or an animalistic Helen Keller while sipping a $17 soda he purchased at the snack bar. Kurt gets lost somewhere near Space Mountain and is then ejected from the park for urinating on a security camera that looked strikingly like a child’s stroller.
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Colin Meloy, Kurt Vonnegut, and Mother Theresa give away single unmatched mittens. Kurt saves the more attractive mittens in a box to give out to hot co-eds as an icebreaker when they walk by. Colin worries they are not serving their target demographic and keeps hopeful watch on tip-toes for any one-armed men. Mother Theresa shoots scornful looks at any women with more than two children while feeling generally good about finally giving something back.
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Colin Meloy, Kurt Vonnegut, and Mother Theresa shop for baby clothes. Kurt is disappointed to learn that the babies are not included. Colin questions the salesclerk on the origin of offspring in general and then grills her on the proper names of every baby animal found on a typical American farm, in alphabetical order. Mother Theresa discreetly slides a teething ring of every available color onto her wrist and pretends they are bracelets when confronted by security.
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Colin Meloy, Kurt Vonnegut, and Mother Theresa visit a refuge for poorly trained circus animals. After several hours Colin finally understands the merits of euthanasia. Meanwhile, Mother Theresa discovers the real reason why llamas are not often incorporated into the human diet and Kurt attempts to communicate alarm without drawing the attention of a blind yet suprisingly spiteful Siberian tiger.
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