Fifty Shades of Olive
Yes. I read it. The book. That book. Am I proud? “Holy &^%$**$#@*%^$ NO!” does not even begin to describe the depths of my embarrassment. But, after reading a terribly written, shallow, butt-plug-ridden fantasy about a sadist and his lady-love, I have begun to notice some interesting parallels to the baboon world (and, regrettably, Twilight). For those of you unfortunate enough to have fallen under the crack spell of Fifty Shades of Grey, consider your literary endeavors not entirely without fruit. You now have an insight into olive baboon society (and my thesis project) that the layman cannot begin to fathom. Let’s start with Christian Grey and his baboon counterpart, Siria. Christian is a powerful, angry, and horribly attractive jerk-off who enjoys mounting, beating, and generally frightening the bejeezus out of young, impressionable females. Siria, on the other hand, is a powerful, angry, and horribly attractive jerk-off who enjoys mounting, beating, and generally frightening the bejeezus out of young, impressionable females. Wait a second…
See, male baboons revel in the power they hold over the ladies in their groups. Not only are they two to three times the size of their female friends, they also wield three-inch canines (cane-ines?) that can be a very powerful tool when trying to convince a wayward female to see things their way. Their moods are unpredictable, ranging from unabashedly sweet (gently grooming their girlfriends post-coitus) to maliciously vile (smacking and then standing on a female who just didn’t move fast enough). I believe the word dear author E.L. James used with some frequency was “mercurial”. Well, let’s just say Christian Grey hasn’t quite cornered the market on mood swings. Siria—and really any of his male counterparts—could give him a solid run for his money. And let’s just talk about jealousy. Christian Grey is fifty shades of jealous if his flesh-and-blood blow-up doll so much as looks in the general direction of someone under 40 with a penis. Such behavior sends him pawing her like they have approximately 3 seconds to have the last baby on earth. That and, oh, he feels the inexplicable need to beat the living poo-nuggets out of her. Irrational? Not if you’re a baboon. If Siria thinks he has some claim on the affections of a lady, he will do all manner of untoward things to her if she finds herself wandering into the same zip code as another dude. Some of it is just ridiculous possessive behavior—nudging her away from other males (similar to Christian’s territorial arm-around-the-waist routine), little nips if she’s not responsive enough (Grey translation: spanking), and just some good ol’ fashioned climbing aboard so she knows who her man really is (no Grey analogy needed here). However, the rest is just open threats to the lady, including a well-timed slap, so she knows that fraternizing with, well, anyone other than him gives him an twitchy palm.
But what do the females think of all this? Well, in the “novel” (I hesitate to use that word), Anastasia Steele seems all a’fluster about her man’s inclinations and life-style. On one hand, he freaks her out a little bit. On the other hand, he’s a walking sex god, capable of granting her deepest darkest wishes. She knows he’s dangerous, she knows he’s dark, but she just can’t stay away. It’s pretty much the same story for a female baboon. Males are scary little fear-mongers, but, at the same time, the females just can’t leave them alone. Yes, Siria chased you all over kingdom come an hour ago, threatening to rip your intestines out through your ears, but his fur hangs on him in just that way and you just have to walk up to him one more time and show him your rump because, GOD, isn’t he just so dreamy? In the book, Anastasia bites her lip and then “misbehaves” (i.e. changes her mind or does anything other than what her boy-toy wants her to do), which causes Christian to get all hot and bothered and downright livid. And when he does she can’t quite figure out why the self-proclaimed sadist and control freak wants to spank her into next Tuesday. While reading, I kept wondering why she was so stupid. Then I remembered the hundreds of instances where I have seen females intentionally wander up to one male while eyeing another, knowing full well that the second male is going to get all kinds of jealous and try to rip her face off. Or when a male has started running around, hyped up and grunting, chasing other females hither and thither while they scream bloody murder, and the female I’m following just stands around waiting her turn to get beat rather than high-tailing it out of there (or worse, she walks toward him to see what all the fuss is about). It’s like they LIKE the pain.
Ubergiji, after receiving a thorough “caning” from Gobosi.
So, although I was perplexed—baffled, really—by the behavior of the main characters in Fifty Shades of Grey as I read, I now realize that the actions of both Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele are entirely understandable in light of the fact that they are both walking, talking, Gucci-wearing baboons.
