Siria has worked out the best way to get a girlfriend.  First, stalk her.  Then she cannot realistically doubt your interest.  Second, harass her current boyfriend, especially during those special intimate moments.  Third, never give up.  Ever.  And, yet, though I applaud his efforts—and his whimsical style—Siria has not met with as much success as perhaps he anticipated.

Let me be more specific.  Say Unarasika has found herself this hottie:

Gross, right?  What is he, like, 80?  She could definitely do better.  Siria agrees.  So her follows her and her lover around like a late afternoon shadow.  Now, the way baboon relationships work (we call them “consorts” since they can be fleeting and never last beyond a female’s swollen period), a female starts swelling and she is ignored until, suddenly, some male thinks, “Hey, Unarasika’s gotten kind of hot!”  At this point her swelling isn’t as huge as possible, so she really only attracts the old codgers, which is disturbing (but, really, only if we anthropomorphize, which I do).  That’s how she ends up with a prize like Shirati.  And it doesn’t seem like Unarasika has a whole lot of say in the matter.  She can make things difficult for Shirati, sure, but the guys decide whether to follow or not, so sometimes the females just have to take what they can get.  And once a male has a female, the general rule is, no matter how pathetic, gangly, and disease-ridden he is, it’s his lady and it’s a big deal for another male to step in, even if that other male is obviously tougher and more muscle-y.  Enter Siria.

For some reason, it never seems to occur to Siria to like a girl until someone else likes her (sound familiar, anyone?).  But once Shirati has picked up Unarasika, Siria’s head will snap around and he’ll think, “But I’ve just GOT to have her!”  So he’ll start following Shirati and Unarasika around.  And he will follow them.  And follow them.  And follow them.  He will also crowd them, sitting uncomfortably close to them on the path, or climbing into the same skinny palm tree.  Of course, this puts Shirati (or whatever male) crazy on edge with this other guy all up in his business, so then he starts hovering around his sweetheart and occasionally trying to put himself between her and their amorous follower.  Meanwhile, Unarasika starts to realize that her prospects may be improving and may even go out of her way to brush past Siria, which sends her sugar daddy Shirati into fits of obsequious grunting while barnacle-ing to her side, all in an effort to convince her that he’s really a great guy and doesn’t she want to stick around just a little bit longer, maybe?  And this show makes you think Siria’s got a good game going.

His next gambit, though, is even better.  From time to time, Shirati gets the itch to have “relations” with his lovely lady and he’ll nudge her (usually to get her to stand up) so that he can climb aboard.  However, as he does, Siria devolves into a threatening, huffing beast, flashing his eyebrows, sweeping the ground, and letting out hair-raising grunts that mean, roughly, “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to mess your sh** up.”  Now, consider poor Shirati.  He’s trying to do a job and reach an important goal (ejaculating into his lady-love) and there’s this lunatic offering to beat him into next Tuesday.  And, being a male, Shirati can’t take these threats lying down, so while atop Unarasika, he is also eyebrow flashing and grunting hysterically, all while thrusting away.  It’s no wonder the poor sod is not always successful.  Now Siria’s technique seems even more foolproof.

But then he fails on the follow through.  He gets Shirati all worked up, getting the old guy to chase him and threaten him.  He also gets the lady’s interest, and it seems just certain that all he has to do is show just a little more canine and the prize will be won.  But then he chokes or something.  He’s worked out this elaborate scheme that I haven’t seen any male carry out to such lengths—trailing for days, actually threatening others mid-coitus—but then he just doesn’t close the deal.  And before he knows it, another higher-up has realized that Unarasika has got it going on and blows in with nary a growl and unceremoniously unseats the decrepit Shirati.

And the next day, no lesson learned, Siria is working his angle on some other female and her old coot boyfriend.